NewsFlash: Disneyland patrons are fat

The original Disney park, often neglected out there in California, is meeting popular demand and redesigning its rides in order to meet the weight requirements of the ever-growing American population, beginning with It's a Small World.

It's my personal opinion that this ride should just be fire-bombed and something else put in its place, as the general public ideally would have that infuriating song stricken from its collective unconscious, a benefit to future generations across the board. However, that's not the case, and Disney — if nothing else — knows its audience, and by audience I mean how to make lots of money.